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General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars the way they buy computers- but imagine if they did... Example 1HELPLINE: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you? CUSTOMER: I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened! HELPLINE: Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it? CUSTOMER: What's an ignition? HELPLINE: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine. CUSTOMER: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car? Example 2HELPLINE: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you? CUSTOMER: My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere! HELPLINE: Is the gas tank empty? CUSTOMER: Huh? How do I know? HELPLINE: There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing? CUSTOMER: I see an 'E' but no 'F'. HELPLINE: You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'. CUSTOMER: No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'. HELPLINE: A 'V'?!? CUSTOMER: Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ... HELPLINE: No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about. CUSTOMER: That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn? HELPLINE: Yes, among other things. CUSTOMER: The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean? HELPLINE: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you. CUSTOMER: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in! Example 3HELPLINE: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you? CUSTOMER: Your cars suck! HELPLINE: What's wrong? CUSTOMER: It crashed, that's what went wrong! HELPLINE: What were you doing? CUSTOMER: I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up! HELPLINE: I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product. CUSTOMER: Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed. HELPLINE: Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir? CUSTOMER: What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work! HELPLINE: Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash? CUSTOMER: How do you do THAT? HELPLINE: You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator. CUSTOMER: Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know. HELPLINE: Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it? CUSTOMER: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore! Example 4HELPLINE: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you? CUSTOMER: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks. HELPLINE: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you? CUSTOMER: How do I work it? HELPLINE: Do you know how to drive? CUSTOMER: Do I know how to what? HELPLINE: Do you know how to DRIVE? CUSTOMER: I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car! |
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