Some fun

Re-designed propaganda ads: The Propaganda Remix Project :: Fun with Propaganda :: Bush! Bush! Bush! (same source: NION (not in our name)

Andy Foulds morphing page.

US Steel satire: U. S. STEEL ANNOUNCES SWEEPING MODERNIZATION SCHEME (Ben Graham - 1936)

Not so funny: from Time Magazine covers archive:

Useful templates from Evan Ratliff at ReadyMade

Blonde Joke A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her
"Is something wrong?"
Towhich she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

 
  Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said:
"That she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands......."

 
You live in ... You live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in upstate New York when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
 
You know you're from Ohio if: 1. "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's Island.
2. You measure distance in minutes.
3. Down south to you means Kentucky.
4. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
5. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
6. You've had to explain what a buckeye is.
7. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
8. You know what's "knee-high by the Fourth of July."
9. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
10. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
11. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
12. You carry jumper cables in your car.
13. You know what pop is.
14. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
15. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
16. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
17. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports. 
18. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20. You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country.
21. You find-20 degrees F "a little chilly".
22. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
23. You know if another Ohioan is from southern, middle or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouth.
24. You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas.
 
The markets
Bull Market A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.Momentum investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing  The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E Ratio  The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.
Broker  Poorer than we were in 1999.
Institutional investor Past-year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
Buy, Buy A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
Standard & Poor  Our life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst  Idiot who just downgraded our stock.
Stock split  When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Market Correction  The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow  The movement our money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Call Option  Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Day Trader  Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Yahoo  What we yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
Windows 2000  What we jump out of when we're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.
Modern life
"Leroy"

A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "Wow," the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"
"Yes, they're all mine," the tired Mom sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all their names,"
"This one is my oldest-he's Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one's Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy.

"All right, I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
"Well, yes-it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Ah, that's easy," says the mother. "Then I call them by their last names".
 
Damn lies Benjamin Disraeli , the prime minister of the British Empire from 1874-1880, was reported by Mark Twain to have uttered this brilliant quote on statistical analysis: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics."
 
Street's sayings Quotes about investing

My own preferred:

The financial policy of the welfare state requires that there be no way for the owners of wealth to protect themselves. (Alan Greenspan)

In the absence of the gold standard, there is no way to protect savings from confiscation through inflation. There is no safe store of value...Deficit spending is simply a scheme for the hidden confiscation of wealth. Gold stands in the way of this insidious process. It stands as a protector of property rights". (Alan Greenspan - Gold and Economic Freedom in Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal pg 101 ;1967)

….knowing when to do nothing ... is the hardest thing to do as a trader. (Alan Levine)

Fish see the bait, but not the hook; men see the profit, but not the peril. (Chinese proverb)

The market always goes from being too cheap to way too expensive to way too cheap to way too expensive. (Doug Casey)

To turn $100 into $110 is work. To turn $100 million into $110 million is inevitable. (Edgar Bronfman)

There are many more fools among buyers than among sellers. (French proverb)

If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking. (General George S. Patton)

The stock market is like sex. It feels the best just before it ends. (Harvey Eisen)

In a world run by angels, paper money could work. In a world run by fallible men, however, paper money will always lose its value, then perish. (James U. Blanchard III)

The ability to see that some things cannot be foreseen is a very necessary quality. (Jean-Jacques Rousseau)

Trading is like sex. You don't have to be good at it to enjoy it. (Larry Williams)

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it and when he can. (Mark Twain)

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. (Mark Twain)

In the real world, the right thing never happens in the right place and the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to make it appear that it has. (Mark Twain)

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it. (Mark Twain)

Only government can take perfectly good paper, cover it with perfectly good ink and make the combination worthless. (Milton Friedman)

I was alarmed at my doctor’s report: He said I was sound as a dollar. (President Ronald Reagan)

I can measure the motions of bodies, but cannot measure human folly. (Sir Isaac Newton - Lost a fortune in the South Sea Bubble of 1720)

The possession of gold has ruined fewer men than the lack of it. (Thomas Bailey Aldrich)

The trend is your friend. (Wallstreet proverb)
The trend is your friend, until the end, when it bends.(complete sentence)
The trend is your enemy (Tom DeMark) Well, this is all the same with other words.

Business is good, the Universe is expanding. (Tony Follary, Comedian)

Our favourite holding period is forever. (Warren Buffet)

You shouldn't own common stocks if a decrease in their value by 50% would cause you to feel stress. (Warren Buffet)

I'm not concerned so much about the return on my money, as with the return of my money. (Will Rogers)

Gold would have value if for no other reason than that it enables a citizen to fashion his financial escape from the state. (William F. Rickenbacker)
How much physical gold should any people Own? Enough to bribe the custaoms agent. (Yiddish proverb)

If a socialist idea that making profits is a vice, I consider that the real vice is making losses. (Winston Churchill)

A stockbroker is someone who takes all your money and invests it until it’s all gone. (Woody Allen)

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. (Yiddish proverb)

Those who can't do teach.

Buy panic, sell hysteric.
Buy the Dip, sell the rally.
When there is blood on the Street, BUY!

The Dow in November, then comes May and stay away.
Buy the AEA, sell the HQ.
Sell in May and stay away.
Sell Yom Kippur, buy Rosh Hashanna

It's a poor workman who blames his tools.

Cut your losses short, let the winners run. (David Ricardo)

Buy the rumor, sell the news

Black Thursday, good Monday.

Fridays reverse the week.

One day does not a trend make.

Scared money is lost money.

In doubt, stay out.

If you can't change your mind, you won't have any money to mind.

Economists know everything about money except how to put it in their pockets

Every Bull Market has a copper roof (Wallstreet proverb)

If Santa Claus Should Fail to Call, Bears May Come to Broad & Wall

Mark Twain once heard someone comment that another person's wealth was "tainted money."
Twain replied: "It certainly is tainted money. T'aint yours, t'aint mine".

There are three kinds of economists, those who count and those who can't.
(Sir Eddie George in the Times of London)

   
Links Jokes about economists and economics :: Insult Monger insults index

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