1999

Predicting the future is a worrying business. What worries us is the fact that since the start of this series, a dozen of mad Mel's predictions have already come true. So with less than ten thousand hours to go before the year 2000, brace yourself for the final chunk of futurology.

Penuary

Seven years after the Common Market takes down its national boundaries, the European currency is unified. Based on the Franc-Mark-Sterling and the Drachma-Lire-Paseta, it is named the Farking Dracula.

Purgatory

Continuing the trend of Newsfield staff turnover begun in the 1980s, everyone in the UK has now had a chance to be Editor of ZZAP! except for woodlice and anybody who has ever worked for The Bug, or possibly both. ZZAP! now costs 25 Farking Draculas, and follows the trend of all computer mags by sticking a free unemployed programmer on the front cover with Sellotape.

Marx

The population of China leaches one birrion. The Irish expedition to climb Mount Everest is forced to turn back when they run out of scaffolding. Wendy-the-singing-computer is discovered smuggling nun-burgers in Nuneaton and is burned as a witch. The Duchess of Pork gives birth to 17 piglets after visiting a fast-breeder nuclear reactor and sitting on a bacon roll. After multiple loony name changes, The Wowiepowie WamBam RodPoleAndPerch Corporation reverts to its original name, Activision.

Anthill

Since the electricity ran out, all computers have been inoperative, but the situation is changed by a remarkable discovery from the British Medical Association plc. it seems that human beings have been equipped with portable digital computers for some time, without knowing it. The Ministry of Education plc calls them Fixed Integrated Numerical Graphic Educational Retractable Servos, or 'fingers' for short.

Mayhem

All the extinct volcanos on Earth erupt simultaneously, but instead of molten larva spewing out they emit paper hats, sherry trifle and a soft voice singing 'All Tomorrow's Parties'.

Junta

After secretly plotting for the past 15 years, Sir Clive Sinclair buys out Amstrad for 25 Farking Draculas, a can of beans and a baldy wig. The acronym Alan Michael Sugar Technology Research And Development is immediately changed to Alright Mate Sinclair's Taking Readily Available Dosh.

Jewlie

Following the self-destruction of CDs in the 1980s, credit cards do the same thing by joining the SDP.

Aghast

Giant mutated bird droppings take on the form of adolescent females. They are known as The Great Guano Sisters. After 100 years, the diaries of the man who invented the typewriter keyboard are published. It seems that the words 'Qwertuiop asdfghjkl zxcvbnm' make the filthiest insult imaginable in ancient Hungarian, and all keyboard operators are continually accused of performing an unnatural act with a cooked chicken.

Slappedunder

After the last three Olympic disasters, athletes agree to meet in the only venue on Earth with no political meaning whatsoever: Ludlow. Instead of all that silly competitive stuff, chocolate medals are awarded for proper Games such as juggling fish, doing the Hokey-Kokey, skipping on one leg, peeing up the wall, Space-Hopper lookalikes and, of course, playing computer games with walking sticks while hanging from a balloon underwater.

Actover

The cause of the epidemic of human yobbism, greed and madness is finally established: the little green slimy things just to the right of the slice of tomato in hamburgers! For two generations hamburgers containing these loony-makers have been infecting people, and sending them crazy. There is no cure.

Remember

After an uneventful intergalactic journey, except for stopping for a packet of fags at the Cancer service station and taking a wrong turning at Virgo, the Alpha Centaurians drop in on Mars to see how the joint USA-USSR mission is going. They get wheel clamped. When they discover that everyone on Earth has been driven insane by the green things in hamburgers, they decide to save only the children of Earth providing they promise not to sing anything by Kylie Minogue.

Disaster

The world's unfortunate classes (adults, MSX owners, etc.) demand to be saved as well, and squabbling leads to nationalism which leads to war. The superpowers have succeeded in disarming, but chemical weapons are used by the warlike cultures of Iran, Great Britain, Pakistan, Israel, Nigeria, South Africa, Brazil and Radio Luxemburg. The interstellar Ark lands on Earth as the mushroom clouds erupt at midnight, December 31st, 1999. The Stockholm eco-computer predicts that all life on the planet will be extinct within 365 days.