1997

Presenting purple prose, pushing present parameters past playful prognosis, professional popular prize-penman-prince provides puckish penultimate printed pages, proving playful pickle (plus plucky profane penetrating probing) precludes perverse pastiche pinko-plot predictions. Please precious people! plunge, ponder, pooh-pooh, praise: proceed. (Yes folks, Croucher is taking the 'p' again in his second-to-last pppppredictions)

Yenuary

At the Commodore 64 fifteenth-birthday party, Jeff Minter jumps out of an iced walking frame. At the Commodore Amiga tenth-birthday celebrations, Wendy-the-singing-computer appears in a silver lamée dress claiming to be the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe. Dame Boy George disputes this. The party ends when it is discovered that 'Commodore Amiga' is really an anagram of 'DOMARC MINE A GOO'.

February

Nudity is finally banned from the live stage, and No Sex Please We're Newsfield closes after 15 years. Techno boffins immediately retaliate with computer generated holographic nudes, and for reasons too devious to explain several ancient computer titles enjoy a new lease of life, such as Grand Prix Stimulator, Yogi Bare and Way Of The Exploding Fist.

March

The Roman ruins of Raffaele Cecco are unearthed during excavations at Hewson New Town. They are quickly buried again. A nine year-old schoolgirl from Holy Island claims to have picked up a message on her Walkman from an Alpha Centaurian spacecraft. The message reads, 'Peace, goodwill to all women. Fear not, we bring you glad tidings of great joy, if only you male bimbos can hang on till we get there'. She sends the tape to Baroness Rantzen and is immediately signed up by the Stuck-Aching-Waterworks music corporation.

April

The latest electric car is launched by Sinclair Research. Costing only £500 and capable of speeds up to 50mph, its use is only restricted by the position of your power socket and the length of your extension cable.

May

South American revolutions catch up with modern technology. Up to now there have only been thirty-three-and-a-third military coups per minute, but with the domination of compact discs 120 revolutions a minute becomes the norm. Meanwhile, in The Bug tabloid publication, they are sticking with 45 revs per minute, all defrocked.

June

China takes back Hong Kong, after the 100-year British lease runs out. The agreement made to protect the interest of the former Colony's citizens is described by Premier Mousey Dung as 'a road of cobras.' A band of socialist outlaws is reported to be living in Sherwood Forest, stealing from the poor and investing in the stocks-exchange. Wendy-the-singing-computer marries their leader, Red Red Robin, and celebrates by breaking wind in her private bath. Wendy Red Red Robin comes bubble bubble bubbling alone.

July

The global shortage of D-RAM chips enters its tenth year. In a desperate effort to maintain production, Sir Alan Sugar buys the Isle of Wight and sells it to Korea in exchange for 69 billion megabytes. The island is towed to the Pacific, but the little old men playing traditional Isle of Wight pub games fail to notice that they are now half way between Seoul and Osaka. This is known as 'the domino effect'.

August

After a premature hijackulation in 1984, Mel Croucher writes another article saying that CD-ROM is gonna be The Next Big Thing, and he is convinced that Philips will be getting their act together and perfecting their hardware by Christmas. He is led away by men in white coats.

September

SEGA launches the first 8-bit edible games console. True to form it is sweet, sickly and rots your peripherals after a single byte.

October

While attending the Goodwood races, the Saudi Arabian Royal Family is overthrown. Arabian oil production grinds to a halt. Unfortunately for Britain, the North Sea oil fields are empty, and the long-term forecast is for a hard, bitter winter.

November

Panic buying hits the supermarkets: candles, paraffin, calor gas and liver 'n' strawberry flavoured rubberware sell out (the latter due to a rather clever marketing campaign, not the oil crisis.)

December

During the seasonal power cuts, Nelson moves in with the fairy on top of the traditional Norwegian fir tree next to his Column in Trafalgar Square. The Government secretly buys coal from South Africa, but is discovered when all the slag is found to be white. On Christmas Eve, the miners go on strike.