1994

January

Prince Wendy reveals to 'The Sun' that he is delighted with his Christmas present from the Warrior Price Regent and Fertile Fergie. He asked them for a cowboy outfit, and was duly presented with a budget software house. Meanwhile, his younger sister, Princess Wendy, is equally pleased with her playpen. She christens it 'Scotland'.

February

The French govemment agrees to compensate the British for the loss of our rats by delivering an equal weight of rabid dogs through the Euro Tunnel, absolutely free of charge. Barking mad, foaming at the mouth, wild eyed and lethal, the dogs are appointed High Court Judges immediately.

March

All research into fusion reactors is halted. It simply ain't economically viable. Although electricity prices have increased by 40% since privatisation, modern machinery requires less than half of the power of the previous generation of electrical hardware. Wind power and tidal generators are coming on stream, cheap coal is imported from Eastem Europe and China, fuel graded alcohol is available from Canada, and surplus power from France, Iceland and Norway is plugged into the Eurogrid. Energy distribution is almost 95% efficient thanks to computerised automatic switching, domestic insulation has reduced wastage by 35% since 1975, and heavy industrial requirements have almost disappeared. 'Shelter' releases figures claiming that at least 7,000 homeless and old people have died of hypothermia during this Winter's Big Freeze.

April

Missing since 1988, David Crossweller is spotted in Brittany selling muiti-layered software packages. He calls them 'onions'. Meanwhile, other software houses have been in alternative markets for years. CRL continue to sell pork pies, Code Masters continue to sell young pups and Virgin launch Now That's what I call Mother Load Of Old Titles 69.

May

The notorious Ludlow publishing Company Gettingsoldfield brings in new decimalised working conditions for their workforce of infant labourers. The ten-hour-day, ten-day-week, ten-pea-an-hour system works well to begin with, but breaks down when ZZAP! journalists can no longer afford to pay their ten peas to the Directors Roger Mildlyinterested, Transplantliver Frey and his brother Centime.

June

On the 5Oth anniversary of D-Day, thousands of Britons re-enact the invasion of Europe by Club Z18-30. Samantha Fox, who has been 'losing her figure' for several years, poses for the artwork of the computer version of The Time Bandits. Football Manager author Kevin Toms saves the day by supplying an alternative photograph, wherein he poses as 'five-to-eleven.'

July

On the 205th anniversary ofthe French Revolution, the Club Z18-30 invaders are locked in the Bastille, where they get their Gaulloise chopped off.

August

To take the American people's minds off the tragic San Francisco earthquake, and the Soviet people's minds off the Islamic revolution in Uzebistan, ajoint USA/USSR mission to Mars is agreed with maximum publicity. The software charts are dominated by Martian Mission simulations and sports compilations with the words Barcelona and Olympic in the titles. Only Mastertronic goes the whole way by releasing Islamic Olympic Martian Earthquake Warriors.

September

The EEC wine lake and food mountain mysteriously disappear during Newsfield's Computer Arena' 94. Robin Evans, cartoonist of this very feature, continues to make do with a small amount of bread, a handful of lost marbles and a dead luncheon vulture.

October

The American space shuttle is finally scrapped after yet another major disaster. Ghouls travel from several States to collect charred bits of the Challenger for mantelpiece souvenirs. Commercial Star Wars enters a new phase, with the Chinese Long March rocket picking up much of the business, closely followed by Hyundai of Korea, Arianne of France and the joint lsraeli/South African spacecraft known as 'Utterbastard'.

November

In line with the prevailing attitude towards suspect sexual practices Way of The Exploding Fist is finally banned. In line with the prevalling attitude towards freedom of expression, civil liberties and mutual tolerance, more gays are burned on November the Fifth than guys. This causes undermanning problems in the church (all denominations), the armed forces, the House of Parliament (upper and lower) the education system, the Wendy fan club, the health service, the police force, the.... well, to be brutally frank and honest with you, everywhere.

December

The partnership between Nolan Bushnell and Sir Clive Sinclair goes from strength to strength, with more than four hundred thousand pre-orders for the Z95 Global Cornmunicator, Uncle Clive's pocket-sized black box contains a microcomputer, holographic display, satellite communicator, telephonic modem, voice-operated command system and solar power option. Retailing at under $300, the communicatlons revolution enters its final phase of the Twentieth Century and the abolition of rush hour begins.