1992

January

The Single European Act becomes law, hurling Britain into a Europe without frontiers of 332 million electronically consuming citizens. Great new trading opportunities are grasped by the computer industry, as tax-free Schneider computers blow Amstrad away, Spanish cassettes and Italian floppies flood the market and Ludlow declares itself a Republic. The new European 'purple' passport contains a magnetic strip on which is encoded details of the holder. All immigrants are now bar-coded. Mel Croucher is refused re-entry to Britain under the Food and Drugs Act because, when his lounge bar-code is read by Immigration Control, the words 'best before 1968' appear.

February

Ocean boss, Sir David Ward, is mobbed by Dan Dare fans, who mistake him for The Mekon. Domark boss, Alicippe Castaneceps, is mobbed by Dr David Owen, who mistakes him for the SDP. Code Pensioners' boss, Wendy 'n' Wendy Darling, is mobbed by budget fans, who mistake him for a programmer.

March

Wendy the singing computer gives birth to several thousand micros, and vows to devote her life to good works and Cliff Richard. Graffiti artists are accused of destroying the ozone layer by overuse of spray cans. The maximum rate of Income Tax is reduced to 20%, and tax exile multi-millionaires like Fergus MacNeil, Ronnie & Reggie Frey and PacMan return to the UK.

April

The Central Computer is now able to tap all telecommunications in the UK, including closed user group bulletin boards. This is achieved by flashing a red alert whenever subversive key words are spoken or electronically transmitted. Terrorists are identified and sent to camps after using such words as 'assassination', 'nail-bomb', 'rates rebate' and 'Yale'. Whereas users of words like 'T'Pau', 'The James Last Orchestra', 'Defergel' and 'Tim Langdell' are sent to mental hospitals.

May

Senator Edward Kennedy and Governor Clint Eastwood gain the Democratic nomination in the US Presidential elections. Preprogrammed 'threshold' computers are installed in all major economic trading centres, in order to avoid a repeat of the 1987 computerised stock market crash. On the same day, after the worst stock market crash since the last stock market crash, Japan announces sweeping economic reforms, and the New Yen takes over from the Dollar as the world's standard unit of currency. The American Empire (1945 to 1990) was one of the shortest in history.

June

With negotiations well under way for the removal of the Berlin wall, the Minister of Supply, Mr Arthur Daley, arranges to have it shipped to Northern Ireland, where the Belfast Wall is looking a bit seedy after 15 years. With leprechauns on one side and orange men on the other, the stage is set for peace. Unfortunately, several hundred Ulster children rip up the wall and throw it at the army.

July

President Bush and First Secretary Gorbachev sign the draft agreement to reduce long range nuclear weapons by a further 50%. It is now the declared intention of the superpowers to eliminate nukes by the year 2000, for economic reasons. The United States/USSR alliance and the EEC/Japanese alliance begins the redrawing of the global map.

August

Saint Wendy the singing computer wins more gold medals at the Barcelona Olympics than any country, and vows to devote her life to insulting mainframes and Cliff Richard.

September

At the annual Personal Computer Show, the traditional software house carve-up is organised along the lines of a birthday party. Everyone in the industry is issued with a Lucky Bag containing some soft soap, a knife, a back, two faces, a divorce lawyer and a pile of bovine excrement. They all proceed to play Blind Man's Bluff, Musical Chairs and Cheque's-In-the-Postman's Knock. There are no winners, as usual.

October

Cliff Richard and Wendy the singing computer get to Number One with 'Livin' Doll'. Teenage Autumn fashions consist of wearing a monitor case over the head and washing very thoroughly. With less than five years before the hending back of Hong Kong to China, there are riots in the colony as well as in London and Liverpool, when it is announced that the 5 million Hong Kong citizens are to lose their right of entry into Britain. US Gold buys the rights to the game.

November

Islamic fundamentalists overthrow the Saudi Arabian royal family while they are away attending the Bruce Everiss Memorial Handicap at Goodwood race track. US Gold buys the rights to the game.

December

The Sony Global Interactive Entertainment Network comes on stream. Using a network of communication satellites, total domestic control is achieved. Anyone can now watch 'Endurance' 24 hours a day, order a take-away sushi or buy a factory in Northumberland without leaving their foam-filled armchair.